James Hibberd

On the TCA stage, Paula Abdul is drooling and slurring her words.

She’s mumbling something about yetis and spatulas, hanging on an annoyed Simon Cowell, kissing the side of his face.

Ryan Seacrest looks on at her affection, disgusted, yet oddly fascinated.

All right … fine. So none of that actually happened.

The 'Idol' crew are professional and Simon vigorously defends Paula’s much-discussed behavior. He takes the blame for the team being late. She does kiss him, but it’s only a peck.

After the panel, a dozen reporters swarm Simon. A dozen swarm Paula. Randy Jackson, the nice Beatle, gets just one reporter. I feel sorry for Randy. Sort of.

Contact James Hibberd

The “Idol' panel is nearly 45 minutes late.

The rumor, unconfirmed, is that everybody is waiting on an AWOL Paula Abdul.

A few critics begin to chant, 'Paul-a! Paul-a!'

Needless to say, the critics are primed to interview the Death Star team.

Contact James Hibberd

Fox’s upcoming action series “Drive,' where a group of people compete in a secret cross-country race, seems like a solid idea for a drama. Casting charismatic Nathan Fillion of “Firefly' to the lead the ensemble is a great choice. But the clips shown at TCA have worrisome, wacky “Cannonball Run' quality to them.

“Drive' is executive producer Tim Minear’s fourth Fox series. Previously he did “Wonderfalls' (beloved, cancelled), “Firefly' (beloved, cancelled) and “The Inside' (not so beloved, also cancelled).

A critic asks why, if the race in “Drive' is a secret, how all the characters in the show have heard of it.

“It’s sort of like my last three series on Fox,' he says. “People hear theses rumors about them … then download them or buy them on DVD … some days the 2 million dollars is hardly worth it.'

Contact James Hibberd

The “Idol” panel is nearly 45 minutes late.

The rumor, unconfirmed, is that everybody is waiting on an AWOL Paula Abdul.

A few critics begin to chant, “Paul-a! Paul-a!”

Needless to say, the critics are primed to interview the Death Star team.

Fox has a literal car accident staged outside the Ritz Carlton in promotion of their upcoming series “Drive.'

Their “Hell’s Kitchen'-themed buffet spread is filling—omelet bar, buffet and a candy station (Fox is exactly the type of network that gives you candy for breakfast). Fox staffers wolf down omelets along with the press, no snobbish class separation here. The ballroom is covered in snow-white tones and their pages wear parkas

This is the last day of press tour. Critics are exhausted. Yet Fox has so much news potential. They ask about Paula Abdul’s latest breakdown, about accusations of “24' vilifying Muslims, about whether “Idol' judges have become too mean, about the OJ Simpson mess.

Then Fox Entertainment President Peter Liguori throws cold water on the party with answers that seem cautious even by broadcast network executive standards.

Fox is “pleased what Paula does for ‘American Idol.’' He claims he cannot talk about OJ due to pending litigation. “24' has villains of many kinds of ethnicities. Mean “Idol' judges are part of the culture of the show.

Contact James Hibberd

Chris Rock, here to support his ratings-challenged sitcom “Everybody Hates Chris,' is a blast.

“My TiVo won’t even watch my show,' he says. “First we’re on UPN, now The CW. What’s next, BET?'

A critic asks if would hire Michael Richards.

“I dunno …' Rock says, seeming to give the matter some real thought. “Probably. But I have to make sure all the non-‘nigger’-screaming people didn’t need the job first.'

Tomorrow is Fox, which has an “Idol' panel, plus a lot of critics eager to ask about O.J. Should make for a fine TCA finish.

Contact James Hibberd

Upcoming CW competition reality series “The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For the Next Doll' has turned into an unexpected TCA highlight when critics and “Charlie’s Angels' director / “Pussycat' executive producer McG get into a fight over whether the burlesque group are empowering women to bring about the “third wave' of feminism, or merely “skanks' corrupting the underage daughters of TCA critics.

Things got started by McG baiting the crowd by insisting the Dolls are about more than simply pop songs and thigh highs.

“It's something that's aspirational and fun for a woman to be involved in,' says McG (who later describes "America’s Next Top Model' as “awesome and aspirational').

The show’s judge and executive producer Robin Antin adds, “There's so many different types of ‘Pussycat Dolls’ in the world, and that's what is so inspiring to women. The message is just finding your ‘inner Doll.’'

So a critic asks: “Why should young girls aspire to dress up like skanks?'

“First of all,' Antin says, “there's nothing slutty about it. There's nothing skanky about it. Their clothing is cute.'

The critic counters: “You've been using words like ‘empowering’ and sounding like these girls are running for president.'

“There's a reason why people like Scarlett Johansson, Gwen Stefani, Cameron Diaz and Charlize Theron have all been so interested in what ‘Pussycat Dolls’ is about,' says Antin, entirely missing, if not proving, the critic’s point. “Those are women that I am really inspired by and are classy. These are women that have wanted to be a part of it because they feel that it is empowering to get up there and dress like a Doll.'

McG, getting irate, wades into the battle.

“Not everything is going to solve the crisis in the Middle East,' he says, almost certainly not for the first time in his career. “Sometimes you want to have some fun … and women celebrating one another being beautiful, and, frankly, being appreciated by me, has been around for a long time. Under no circumstances is it shameful. And there's even a position to take that this is, frankly, third-wave feminism. You know what I mean?'

The critics don’t know what he means.

One middle-aged critic asks how lyrics like, “Don’t you wish you were a freak like me?' celebrates women.

“You must understand the fundamental paradox of a gentleman of your age demo asking that very question,' McG says. “I don't know if you two-way your friends on your Sidekick … It's just saying, ‘Don't you wish your girlfriend could be free and comfortable in her own skin and do her own thing like me?’ That's what we're saying.'

According to the official CW transcript, what follows next is “[Booing].'

Contact James Hibberd

I’m failing to keep my CW coverage to two paragraphs.

Their “America’s Next Top Model' mobile phone avatar is, all snark aside, pretty cool. It’s a mobile game where the user is responsible for the care and feeding of a pouty “Top Model' contestant who “lives' on the phone.

Cyriac Roeding, VP of wireless for CBS Interactive, describes the game as a 21st century version of those “keep them happy or they die' Tamagotchi pets. The CW plans to have the game tied to the next season, so that if your “Top Model' contestant gets a new haircut or gets into a fight with a competitor, the avatar on your phone is updated appropriately. In an industry that flogs and abuses the term “interactive,' this game really is.

Now let’s bring the snark back.

Roeding is likeable, quick-witted and has a strong German accent. CW PR man McGuire says that he likes to give him twenty bucks to say “Kill Bond!' Roeding enthuses at length about the “Top Model' cell phone game, then declares he’s now going to do something that Bill Gates says a man on stage should never attempt—a live demonstration. The “Top Model' game comes up on the large projection screens beside the stage.

Now, every critic in the room knows exactly what’s going to happen next. Because the Pasadena Ritz Carlton, despite regularly housing this television conference and media event, has all the cell phone reception of a bomb shelter in Duluth covered by a dozen feet of snow. Given that his title is VP of Wireless, Roeding should probably know this.

On screen, the “Top Model' game suddenly disappears and is replaced by a Sprint logo.

“And this is why you should never do a live demo, because our phone basically just decided to switch off,' Roeding says.

The critics laugh. This is what happens a dozen times a day when their editors call.

Contact James Hibberd

“This is a two-paragraph story,' grouses a reporter after CW Entertainment President Dawn Ostroff leaves the stage.

Ostroff has just finished giving The CW boilerplate answers to TCA critics who, admittedly, also asked The CW boilerplate questions. What mistakes did you make launching the network? (We didn’t. What mistakes?). Why didn’t the network offer their shows online earlier? (We were too busy launching a whole damn network, hello…). Will you dump the Monday night comedy block next fall? (Of course not, it’s a huge success, didn’t you know?). When will you retire “Gilmore Girls'? (Not yet, we love the show).

Ostroff says the network is gaining momentum. To ram it home, the word “momentum' appears on the screen behind her. It’s true, carryover shows from UPN and WB have during the past month or so hit series highs on the new network.

Still, the network needs to add new shows of its own. The other day over lunch, one production company representative complained The CW is completely disorganized. “One part doesn’t know what the other parts are doing,' the representative said. From a media perspective, The CW is aided by having The Two Pauls running their corporate PR, McGuire and Hewitt, who put the best spin on their network while still shooting straight.

Among the The CW’s list of announcements, Ostroff has renewed the low-rated (even by CW standards) sitcom “Everybody Hates Chris.' Ostroff urges critics to give the show another chance, noting that it dropped out of TVWeek’s Critics Poll this month. Later, I ask Ostroff if she’s not just keeping it going just long enough to acquire enough episodes for syndication and she claims she renewed it due to the quality of the show.

A confession: The Chris Rock comedy series is also the subject of the most unfortunate typo in my journalism career. A few months ago, in an online ratings story, I referred to the series as “Everybody Hates Christ.' Within a minute of publishing, the emails came pouring in. Most were amused, noting The CW must truly be getting desperate for attention, while others were highly offended. I ran to our web editor’s desk, frantic, yelling “Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!'

Contact James Hibberd

“Here you go...' purrs a CW page, looking vaguely like “Hit Me Baby'-era Britney Spears, passing out a press release.

Britney passes another CW page, who looks vaguely like a replacement guitarist for The Strokes.

The pages are dressed in alarming lime green CW jackets, white wing-tip shirts, white slacks and white shoes. They look like pimp golfers. All are very young, attractive and have “Free to Be Helpful' on the back of their jackets.

They’re also not actually pages. Unlike the other broadcast nets, The CW doesn’t have pages per se, so the network hired actors for the role. Hmm, there’s a joke here to be made about the CW posing as a broadcast network … the critic next to me takes a stab at it: “I’m not a page, but I play one on The CW.'

“On ‘Price is Right’ I get a helluva lot more applause than that,' says Bob Barker as he walks out on stage.

Barker is here to talk about his retirement this summer after 35 years on the air. He successfully coaxes more applause from the critics, who historically do not applaud for panelists. Since many panelists are offended by a silent room, network reps in the back typically try to compensate by applauding and laughing extra hard.

But 83-year-old Barker, a self-described “old fashioned guy doing an old fashioned show,' doesn’t need any help. Some of his anecdotes are a little corny, the way stories your grandfather tells at dinner are corny, but the critics love him. He beams energy and confidence, taking command of the crowd.

On a few key subjects:

-- On “Deal or No Deal:' “I watched ‘Deal or No Deal’ just long enough to see what it was. I’m surprised [it’s popular]. It’s the same thing time after time after time. But I didn’t think ‘Survivor’ could work either.'

-- On his scariest contestant: “I’ve had so many it would be hard to choose one. I once had a Samoan woman pick me up as if I was a child and throw me around. And I thought that would never happen again. Another year, another Samoan came down to contestant’s row and she picked me up and threw me around. And another year goes by. And a third Samoan woman came down, and I made her swear she wouldn’t pick me up. Then she won a car and she picked me up higher than any of them. I don’t know what it is with me and Samoans.'

-- On the wrongful termination and sexual harassment lawsuits that “Price Is Right' has settled out of court: “I didn’t choose to settle any of them out of court. But various companies owning the show have chosen to settle. I wanted to go to court, and people of positions of responsibility wanted to go to court. Because they were frivolous lawsuits. They were distortions, exaggerations or outright falsehoods. But it’s good business to settle, it’s less expensive.'

Tassler tells the critics she’s looking to find new shows that viewers will talk about. More buzz-generating shows. The network executives get frustrated because shows like “Criminal Minds' and “NCIS' are breaking out in the ratings, but critics don’t write about them. I mean, c’mon, CBS is the most-watched television network and, as of yesterday, hit #1 among adults 18 to 49 as well. Where’s the love shown Kevin Reilly? Where’s the respect?

CBS has good cause to feel disrespected in the ballroom. In the TVWeek Winter Critics Poll survey, not one CBS show landed in the top 25. “Amazing Race' was their first entry, and that came in at No. 28. How is it possible that the most popular TV network, a network that critics (who are largely white and middle aged) are a perfect demographic fit to watch, doesn’t have one critical hit?

The reason is best explained by this classic YouTube clip of David Caruso one-liners from “CSI: Miami'. CBS is an expert at making terrible, formulaic, popular shows. Fox produces more blatantly offensive efforts that anger critics, to be sure, but CBS has a slew of shows that are offensive in their mediocrity. “Jericho' was one clear attempt to break this pattern, and it’s easy to see why it’s CBS’s most popular show online, if not on the network.

On the TCA stage, the CBS executives all seem like pleasant people, but there’s no energy in the room. Critics complain afterward how dull the session was.

(Now just watch. After posting this, tonight I’ll be found garroted in the Ritz Carlton jacuzzi, still clutching my Blackberry. The CSI: Pasadena team will read my TCA coverage and decide Tassler, Nancy Grace and the Starz 1st Amendment Stand-Up comics are prime suspects. At the crime scene, David Caruso will find a half-empty bottle of vodka, put on his sunglasses, and declare, “Looks like … this blogger … was already … down-loaded.' Though initially it will seem as if Tassler ordered my execution to make her CBS TCA day more buzzworthy, critics will be stunned when retiring “Price is Right' host Bob Barker confesses to the crime, saying he’s always wanted to appear on a hit primetime drama).

CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler calls “American Idol' “The Death Star,' which is appropriate given that last night it completely obliterated “Criminal Minds' and “CSI: NY.'

Tassler gives NBC’s Kevin Reilly credit for the term, though “Idol' has been called that more than a few times before (and for those wondering why the content of this post has changed since this morning, well, it’s a long story).

At any rate, the critics run with the term.

“So regarding the Death Star, what do you do?' a critic asks the CBS executive panel. “Do you send in a plucky band of rebels? Do you try to find shows that are ‘Idol’ proof?'

“Not ‘Idol’ proof but ‘Idol’ resistant,' says Kelly Kahl, VP of programming operations. “Our shows hang in there okay, while the other shows get, uh, vaporized.'

Moving away from Star Wars references, another critic asks why the network is showing “Criminal Minds' after The Super Bowl instead of “How I Met Your Mother.' In the hallways, critics have been carping on this all week. They claim “Mother' is a better fit than “Minds' for the slot. The truth is they’re both about equally suitable. It’s just that “Mother' is a clever and funny show that critics like, while “Minds' is yet another lobotomized procedural, so critics rather have “Mother' gain the added viewership.

“I don’t know if ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ was a good [post-Super Bowl] fit, it’s a female-skewing soap, but it worked for ABC,' Kahl points out to the critic. “You got a huge audience sitting there and if you have a chance to introduce them to it, you got to take it.'

-- MTV Networks, Thursday, Jan. 11: The last place critics want to go after spending all day in the Ritz ballroom is the Ritz ballroom, so MTV’s TCA party loses off-the-bat points for their location. Still, MTV knows how to pick out music and stock a guest list with talent, so the party becomes a modest success. Hmm … what else? David Spade is a tiny man.

-- Golden Globes Parties, Monday Jan. 15: Not a TCA party, but is the reason there were no blog posts Monday and was certainly interesting. The Beverly Hilton housed both the awards and four industry parties—HBO, NBC, Warner Bros. and Fox (I got on the list for NBC and HBO, while the two studio parties, in PR rep-speak, “could not accommodate your request for an invitation'). Usually, one major industry event is enough to overwhelm a hotel. But an awards show and four parties? Let’s put it this way: The NBC event was on the roof of the parking garage.

Now, friends get impressed when they hear things like “Golden Globes party.' They imagine walking the red carpet, drinking champagne, and hanging out with Steve Carell.

They don’t imagine the cramped shuttle bus to the party from Century City, stuck in Globes traffic.

They don’t think of catered buffets that, by the time you get to them, look like they were ravaged by bears (like bears that just woke up from hibernation and are all super hungry, not just regular bears).

And they don’t imagine a 20-minute wait for an elevator up to a party, during which a crowd of rich people dressed in their best formal wear grow angry and impatient, and party organizers start to yell at them to “Get back! Get back!' and the whole drama looks like a reenactment of the lifeboat-crowding scenes from “Titanic' (“Don’t you understand?! The hotel is sinking and there aren’t enough elevators, not enough by half!').

-- NBC Universal and NBC, Friday Jan. 12 and Wed Jan. 17: NBC has a cable party and a broadcast party in the Ritz lobby lounge and, as one might expect, the broadcast event is better. More celebrities (“Heroes' Masi Oka is mobbed like a rock star), superior food (the mushroom scallops risotto is the best TCA dish so far).

I have a TCA moment of clarity when I realize I’ve been greedily eating no less than five rich desserts off my buffet plate (they are tiny desserts, but still…) while drinking a vodka tonic. I briefly wonder what the hell I’m doing before deciding that chocolate mouse and Ketel One go well together.

Later I join a mob of trade reporters ganging up on NBC Universal Cable Entertainment President Jeff Gaspin, who keeps his shirt unbuttoned further (farther?) than you’d expect. Gaspin talks about naming Chiller, NBC Universal’s new horror channel that recently got picked up by DirecTV. He said he originally wanted to call it Thriller, but NBC lawyers said Michael Jackson might have a problem with that.

I feel downright unclean posting this. But when a critic asks Donald Trump, here for “The Apprentice,' about his fight with Rosie O’Donnell, the sound of reporters typing furiously sounds like a rainstorm in the ballroom. So, in service to all those who must know, here is the latest:

Q: “I feel compelled to bring up this pissing match you’ve been in publicly—“

Trump: “I’m shocked'

Q: “Do you regret how out of hand it’s gotten?'

Trump: “No.'

Q: “Are you afraid at all the public’s image of you is going to be harmed and this might all backfire?'

Trump: “It’s a good question. This started out as being about Miss USA. This young woman had a drinking problem [and I gave her a second chance]. And Rosie O’Donnell went absolutely nuts. Then she went and said a lot of things that have been proven untrue. Who would have ever thought it would be a very big story? I go on the “Today' show, first question is a Rosie question, second is a Rosie question, then they ask me why I talk about Rosie. Then I went on Larry King and I said I don’t want to talk about Rosie. He said, ‘Okay,’ and the first question was about Rosie … I think I exposed her for what she is. She’s just a terrible human being. She’s a terrible disgusting human being and not very smart. I think this whole [O’Donnell being on ‘The View’] will blow up and I want credit for it when it happens … This will only stop when the media stop asking. I don’t talk about Rosie but every question is about Rosie … If somebody attacks you, a lot of the folks in this room would defend themselves. I have always defended myself … I’ve watched her attack people over the years and I’ve watched people not fight back. She’s a bully. I learned this in high school. When you’re attacked by a bully you hit them back. You hit them right between the eyes and that’s what I did...The ratings from "The View" went up because of me. Barbara Walters hates Rosie O'Donnell. Two weeks from now, the ratings will go back down and tank and there will be turmoil. I watched it the other day for the first time in awhile. Watch it without the turmoil, its a very boring show."

Donald Trump Jr.: "He speaks his mind. He's not a politician. People respect him. He says what everybody else is thinking."

Sitting with Reilly after his TCA session for an upcoming TV Week “12 to Watch' executive profile, Reilly was circumspect about his former high-profile period of occupational uncertainty.

“It was character building,' he says. “I’m ready to put it behind me. It teaches you how to stay focused on your work. It was weird, the reports would come in these clusters. I’d come in and have 10 journalists on my call sheet that all have triple confirmation that my boxes were being packed. You start to feel bad for the organization, it bums people out. It undermines the organization when you’re trying to build confidence … [but] once you’ve been at DefCon 5, being at DefCon 3 feels pretty comfortable.'

Such talk has, of course, subsided in the wake of NBC’s rising ratings tide (specifically, “Heroes,' “The Office,' “My Name is Earl,' “Deal Or No Deal' and “Sunday Night Football'). Reilly’s NBC contract is up this summer and industry insiders say the ball is back his court. Reilly declined to comment on the contract status, saying only that he’s feeling confident about the company.

One last thing. According to Wikipedia, on the DefCon scale, level 5 is actually the most relaxed state of readiness, and 1 is the never-used “24'-season-premiere nuke-attack imminent level. But, c’mon. Reilly has to run an entire broadcast network, he can’t be expected to know everything.

Q: “How much more do you like Meredith Vieira than Katie and why?'

Lauer: “Um … I like them differently? It’s just a terrible question. It’s a different dynamic. I had 10 great years with Katie having Meredith brings a different perspective, she’s a different person. She didn’t come in and try to be Katie … Katie and I were at a different point, we were at the end of the 10-year relationship, we were at a point where we could completely each other’s sentences.'

Q: “Did Katie make a mistake leaving?'

A: “Katie went off to find a great challenge and she’s finding it rewarding.'

“Maybe quality isn’t something you define,' intones an NBC clip narrator, sounding almost like a “Saturday Night Live' parody of a fourth-place network’s ad copy. “But you know it when you see it, and, maybe, that’s what matters.'

The defensive-sounding clip opens NBC’s TCA session. But the funny thing is, NBC is currently—in a freakish perfect storm of Nielsen ratings positional jockeying—tied for first place season to date. Though they’re expected to end up in fourth by May, even that story is relatively sunny, since NBC has improved significantly year to year.

On stage, a reinvigorated NBC Entertainment President Kevin Reilly said NBC's fall shows have "brought the love back to the network."

“What I’m really feeling right now in the building is a new confidence,' he says. “It’s actually shockingly, weirdly, becoming fun again. People are saying, ‘What’s that feeling we’re having? Oh, that’s fun.’'

After the panel, however, Reilly could not muster much love for Fox’s Nielsen Death Star, “American Idol,' which open fired with a record-breaking premiere last night.

“We got to see how it weathers over the course of the year,' he says. “Not to be shitty about it, but maybe they’ll have a bad run. Nothing burns that bright forever. Some day it will be uncool to watch ‘American Idol.’'