Big Bad 'Brother' Habits
August 6, 2007 10:30 AM
OMG, watching “Big Brother 8” suddenly is like watching the preamble to a multiple-car crash on a never-ending loop that plays in slow motion so we can all study (repeatedly) some pretty obvious life lessons and play drinking games.
First let’s tackle the life lessons as OMGreppi defines them midway through the “BB8” season in hermetically sealed hell.
- Never trust a dork with nipple rings, a tattoo and eyebrows whose arches suggest an ego far out of proportion with any of the social skills yet displayed. Eric, who entered the house as “America’s Player,” ordered to carry out, without being discovered, missions assigned to him, is suddenly desperately sucking all the oxygen out of the house as he tries to prevent his eviction. He has gone so far beyond the subterfuge his missions require that his family and childhood friends by now should be reassessing every inexplicable disappearance of a neighborhood pet, bicycle or small household appliance. He should never be able to get another job or another friend, much less a date. His next task should be to get himself voted out of the house Thursday night.
- Never trust a reality game player who wraps themselves in a Bible and then breaks every one of the 10 Commandments (including Thou Shalt Not Bore) as Internet and “Big Brother After Dark” viewers watch the bad deeds on the house feeds from which HouseGuests can neither run nor hide. Jameka, Amber and Kail should have to make full confessions to Julie Chen when they get evicted.
- Never hire a reality game player who can not prove they have an actual personality (superbland “BB8” evictee No. 3, Mike, is all over Lifetime TV’s “Gay, Straight or Taken?” promos, which can only mean the reality contestant pool is running dry); a player who has a few too many earmarks of a socio-psychopath (bad dad Dick is on a major “Lord of the Flies” trip); or a player who can not explain all the words and symbols on a chocolate chip cookie package or at least barely pass a high school English equivalency test.
Speaking of “Lord of the Flies,” this group defines Ugly Americans every time they eat at a table (they talk, chew and yawn with their mouths full); or snack at a counter top (after they’ve dished about who doesn’t wash their hands after peeing, you shudder as you watch those hands go from large potato chip back to mouth and back again); or go into detailed discussions about body emissions and evacuations. And crybaby Amber smacking and chewing her way through one warm chocolate chip cookie with such sound effects that she might actually be in violation of at least one of New York City’s tough new noise ordinances.
Speaking of crybabies and “Lord of the Flies,” it’s time to let the drinking games begin.
Chose any of these as signals to chug and you’ll be tanked long before the first break on “Big Brother After Dark” on ShowtimeToo:
-Dustin scratches/adjusts himself.
-Amber’s bulldoggy lower lip trembles.
-Jameka murmurs mmmm-hmmmm.
-Jen checks herself out in a smooth shiny surface.
-Jessica repeats someone else’s nonsense noises.
-Daniele examines her split ends.
-Dick spits on the artificially grassed backyard (OMGreppi’s stomach turns every time someone sets a bare foot on the surface) or, if he’s inside, clears his throat with that dry smoker’s cough.
-Eric declares he is not a b-s’er or a liar, or, conversely, he's the straightest shooter in the house.
-Kail throws someone else under the eviction bus.
-A conversation stops when Zach approaches.
On the other hand, if you’re the designated driver, take a swig every time Dick seems genuinely apologetic for one of his egomaniacal, bully-boy rants. You’ll be safe behind the wheel.