I Did a Mind Meld With Charlie Sheen and Found Out What Really Happened In His Meeting With Fox (Hint: Think ‘Idol’)

Mar 22, 2011

News item: “Sources familiar with the meeting tell TMZ [that] Charlie Sheen sat down last Thursday with Mike Darnell, president of alternative entertainment for Fox, David Hill, president of Fox Sports, and Peter Rice, chairman of entertainment for Fox Networks Group. During the meeting, which lasted more than an hour, the group brainstormed about various possible projects for Charlie…”

I have no more knowledge about what happened in that meeting than you do. What I do have is this guess, fanciful as it may seem, based on my alter-ego, who had a mind meld with Sheen while I was asleep:

One idea talked about during the meeting is that Sheen replace Steven Tyler on “American Idol.” Tyler, of course, has a deal to be a judge on the show this season, but the scenario discussed is that perhaps Tyler—who, as it turns out, has been the weakest of judges since the show was narrowed down to 13 finalists—gets sick and can’t do the show tonight. His one-time replacement would be Sheen, sending the show’s faltering ratings through the roof.

To see how this would go, “Idol” did a secret run-through with three contestants yesterday–and  Sheen sitting in for Tyler.

First up was Paul McDonald. He struts around the stage, as is his fashion, and starts singing:

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men men men men, manly men, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo”.

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men men men men, manly men men men!" "Men …"

After the thunderous applause dies down, Randy Jackson says, “A little pitchy. And at one point it looked like you forgot the words. But you know what I like about you, dawg, is that you made it your own.”

J.Lo adds, “I love your smile. As an artist, you are so unique. Did I mention your smile?”

Charlie’s turn: “Hey dude, do you have to take a whiz or something? I see my twins walking around like that, I know they have to take a whiz. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. You have a 7-year-old brain and 10,000-year-old boogers. You aren’t special and don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Troll! Not winning!

Next up is Haley Reinhart:

"Women women women women, womanly women women women!"

"Women women women women, womanly women women women!"

"Women women women women, womanly women, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo”.

"Women women women women, womanly women women women!"

"Women women women women, womanly women women women!" "Women …"

J.Lo: I love how varied that was. Talk about making it your own.

Randy: I agree. Outside of some pitch problems, you made it your own. Haley is back!

Sheen: Aren’t you tired of pretending you’re a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars? You think people can’t figure you out? That they can’t process you? And you don’t expect them to. You feel you can’t be processed with a normal brain, right? Been there done that. But for me, honesty shines through in my work and also in my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I’m extremely old-fashioned. I’m a nobleman. I’m chivalrous. You’re a goddess, but you’re a troll!

Next up is Casey Abrams:

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men
men
men
men,
manly
men
men
men!"

"Men men men men,

                                       manly men,

                                                               hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo”.

"Men men men                         men, manly                                      men men men!"

"Men men men men,

manly

men
men men!"                                                       "M                                e                                n …"

Randy: Wow. I loved the way you changed it up. You are fearless.

J. Lo: You took a risk. Every week you redefine this whole thing.

Sheen: They’re right. Your mind is a thesaurus. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children. Has anyone ever asked you if you’re bi-polar? You’re bi-winning. You’re different. You have a different constitution. You have a different brain. You have a different heart. You’ve got tiger blood, man. You’re an F-18, bro, and you will destroy them and deploy your ordnance to the ground. Winning!

Ryan: Hey Charlie, this judging gig seems to agree with you.

Sheen: Of course it does. C’mon, bro, I won best picture at 20 and I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm. Ryan, I’m lovin’ it here on ‘Idol.’ All I’m doing here is putting wins in the record books. I win so radically in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view. And next week, when I’m not here, you need to get Simon back. We need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin-ness.#

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