Star Lite, Star Blight

Jan 16, 2006  •  Post A Comment

In a previous life, The Insider was a TV critic for a rambunctious New York tabloid. Not only could she write anything she wanted about any show or personality in, on or around television, but she got paid to do just that.

Her present life as a reporter compels her to stifle that voice when she begins pounding at her keyboard, but lately that old voice is getting louder and more relentless, and The Insider is losing her battle to keep a lid on it.

The thoughts have been queuing up like Woody Allen and his sperm mates in “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex *But Were Afraid to Ask.” The capacity of The Insider’s pea brain is over capacity. Something has got to go.

So the Insider is jotting down some-there is not enough room to accommodate all-thoughts she might turn into columns if she still were a critic, which she’s so not. She’s merely sharing things with you, her nearest and dearest.

Stop Star Jones Before She Shills Again. Or start making “The View’s” resident diva pay for the time she spends talking about the assorted projects that are meant to boost Star-power, including her book, her Mr. Man, her videotaped farewell to one of her relatives going off to Iraq and her so-called diet. C’mon, ladies, do we know anyone her age who has gotten rid of extreme upper-arm wattles with exercise and without plastic surgery?

The second-worst self-promoter on daytime TV is Tony Danza, who hasn’t figured out how to chronicle the world as he experiences it instead of as he thinks the world should revolve around him. His show-opening is him delivering a breathless and disorganized list of who was smart enough to invite him to something the previous night and who was lucky enough to see him the previous day. As for the guests who appear on the show, they are lucky if they can get a word in edgewise and they are subjected to “competitions” designed to be won by Mr. Danza. Please, someone give him a dictionary opened to the definition of “host.”

Stop CNN Before It Kills Anderson Cooper.Even Superman would stutter and stumble under the weight of the overuse and misuse the CNN anchor is enduring lately-not to mention the relentless hype surrounding all things Anderson Cooper. The best star makers are viewers, but CNN’s Jonathan Klein refuses to wait for that jury to deliver its verdict in its own time. With more than two years remaining on his CNN contract, Mr. Cooper may want to consult a malpractice lawyer sooner, rather than later.

Stop Giselle Fernandez From Describing Herself as a “Journalist.” She stopped conducting herself as a journalist a long time ago, a subject addressed when The Insider still roamed the Internet as tvgirrrrl and when co-anchoring “Access

Hollywood” was still in Ms. Fernandez’ future. Now that Ms. Fernandez is channeling her inner “Rosita” (her words, not The Insider’s slur), as she hot-cha-chas and bumps and grinds on “Dancing With the Stars,” the tattered remnants of her journalistic credibility should hereby be revoked.

But she might want to consider a career as a comedy writer. Her post-performance comment that she had been nervous about doing the rhumba, a k a the dance of love, because, “I’ve never been good at being sexy on command” was the funniest uttered on any prime-time show Thursday night.

But Don’t Stop the “Dancing.” The Insider didn’t get “Stars” struck until this season. It and “Project Runway” will see her through the winter reality season.