This just in … local news goes nuts

Mar 12, 2001  •  Post A Comment

MUSIC: Dotdot bingbing duh beepbeep whumpwhump thud, thud, thud, thud, blam …
ANNOUNCER: From the Number One Action News Team in the Tri-State Area: Peter Gordonson, Chris Vance, Oolong Abrigong, Vanessa Contessa, Philo Farnsworth, meteorologist Doug Whitebread and The Thick Skullneck Sports Machine … High Action Eye Witness Hot Flash Drama News starts right now!
MUSIC: Blam blam ba dam dam dam dam …
ANNOUNCER: Right this very
MUSIC: Dotdotdot de dotdot whamwhamwham.
ANNOUNCER: Absolutely positively NOW!
PETER GORDONSON: Good evening. Chris is off tonight, Oolong is on assignment, Vanessa is renegotiating her contract, Philo is still recovering from his emergency cosmetic surgery and Thick Skullneck is here but wanted his name mentioned again. We’ll get to today’s school shootings, Dick Cheney’s latest heart attack, that AOL-NBC-YMCA-CIA merger and our dutiful affiliate plug for “Survivor” in a moment-but first-hey, meteorologist Doug Whitebread, how about that deadly winter storm?
DOUG WHITEBREAD: Well Peter, as I said on the 6:30, the 6 o’clock, the 5 o’clock and the 4:42 …
PETER GORDONSON: All aboard! Ha ha ha. Just a little humor there, Doug.
DOUG: I’m afraid this storm is no laughing matter, Roger.
PETER: Peter.
DOUG: Peter. If we take a look at the Super 3-D Doppler for a minute-there you see those big green blobs from the West are pushing onto those wobbly blue lines from the north, which run parallel to the little red stars from the south-and that can mean only one thing. I’m afraid before the night is over we will be measuring the white stuff in feet and not inches.
PETER: “The white stuff”? What the hell are you-oh, yes, the white stuff. So it looks like, what, a good old-fashioned nor’easter, eh, meteorologist Doug Whitebread?
DOUG: We could be looking at a good old-fashioned nor’easter or more of a good old-fashioned sou’wester, but as things stand now, the storm should hit right at the height of rush hour, with rain developing into sleet, which will develop into snow around midnight, at which point I would say as a trained meteorologist with a degree in meteorology, grab your personal belongings and run like hell.
PETER: Now of course, we here at High Eye Action Faction News take our public mandate very seriously, and we wouldn’t want to do anything to unduly alarm you, our loyal viewers. But this looks like one big nightmare from hell to me.
DOUG: Hey, Peter, I know those Channel 7 sissyboys are predicting only 12 to 16 inches, and those Channel 14 pantywaists are saying 16 to 18 inches, but I am going all the way out there and saying that we are looking at anywhere from 2 to 75 feet accumulation by rush hour tomorrow morning.
PETER: I like your spirit, Doug. You know they say every 6 inches of snow we predict is worth another 2 points for us in the March book. Oh, just a little inside industry jargon there, folks, nothing for you to worry your little heads about. In fact I want to stress as a responsible broadcaster and award-winning journalist how important it is that we do not panic in the face of this ominous terrifying horror that is barreling our way. Let’s go to Cindy Hairbob at the Cut-throat Supermarket in suburban McBain. Cindy?
CINDY: Good evening, Peter.
PETER: Good evening, Cindy.
CINDY: And please say good evening for me to Doug and Thick and Oolong and Fido.
PETER: Philo.
CINDY: Philo.
PETER: Will do. So how are things at the supermarket there?
CINDY: Well Peter, you can probably hear behind me the sounds of hundreds of shoppers who have literally flooded the market literally by the hundreds and are literally pulling the food from the shelves in anticipation of the big storm that is heading this way and could be upon us at any moment.
PETER: Would you call the situation serious?
CINDY: Very serious, Peter, as people are becoming hysterical. If I were to step out of the camera’s way, you would see a very dramatic shot of people in the supermarket literally fighting and wrestling over hams, chicken breasts, pork chops, pickled pigs’ feet, jars of peanut butter-creamy and chunky-Tootsie Pops, bottled water, dill pickles and, of course, toilet paper. The toilet paper is rolling off the shelves.
PETER: Maybe you can talk with one of the shoppers.
CINDY: I have one right here, Peter, a Mr. Andrew Heylack of suburban Upscale City. Mr. Heylack, what is literally going through your mind at this moment?
ANDREW HEYLACK: That my family and I are going to starve to death because we won’t be able to get out of the house to buy food!!!
CINDY: And, literally, what gives you that impression?
ANDREW HEYLACK: Are you kidding? I saw your 5:16 weather report!!!
CINDY: Ah, a regular viewer of ours. Good for you.
ANDREW HEYLACK: No, no, no. I watch Channel 12. But they only said there’d be 6 inches. Then I tuned to Channel 8 and they said there’d be 17 inches. And then I tuned to you guys and Mr. French Toast or whatever his name is …
CINDY: Meteorologist Doug Whitebread.
ANDREW HEYLACK: Yeah, that nerdy guy in the tweed sportcoat. He said it would be the worst storm in 30 years. Well, I don’t need to tell you what it’s like to be trapped in a house with seven people and no toilet paper. Hey, you! Get away from that Charmin!
CINDY: Oops, Peter, if I stepped out of the camera’s way, you’d see another shopper attempting to steal toilet paper from Mr. Heylack. As you can tell, Peter, people are literally out of control here at the market as they try to prepare for this weekend’s 40 feet of snow. We can only hope no one thinks to go and steal a gun and come in here and take hostages. Or maybe hold up a convenience store and steal all the food.
PETER: Yes, Cindy, that would be a terrible tragedy. Maybe you’d better stay there just in case.
CINDY: Yes, I think I’d better stick around. Literally. Back to you, Peter. And please say “back to” Oolong and “back to” Philo for me.
PETER: Will do, Cindy. Let’s check in now with meteorologist Doug Whitebread and see how that storm is progressing. Meteorologist Doug?
DOUG: Well, Peter, as you can see from this large purple blob and these oblong-shaped puce
squiggles …
PETER: Hang on just a minute, Doug …
DOUG: “Meteorologist Doug.”
PETER: Hang on just a minute, Meteorologist Doug, I have just been handed some wire copy and-let me look it over a second, please bear with me folks but I-yes, just as expected, ladies and gentlemen. Nielsen reports we are now the top-rated 11 p.m. newscast in the entire tri-state area!
DOUG: Peter! Peter!
PETER: I think in light of this announcement we can upgrade the storm from a good old-fashioned nor’easter to a murderous, hellish, tragic catastrophe. And now, as the award-winning, white-haired anchor for Super Action
Eye Witness Nonstop News, a personal note, if I may. I would just like to thank you, our viewers, for making us the most trusted name in …
DOUG: Peter, I’m sorry, I hate to interrupt, but it looks like we have something totally unexpected here.
PETER: Don’t tell me another foot of snow. Oh Good Lord. Oh Mother of God! Is there no end to this torment? Cindy? Cindy? Are you there at the Maxi-mart?
DOUG: Wait, Peter. You didn’t let me finish. It looks like a cold front is moving in from Canada and blocking the warm front moving in from the Gulf and as a result, the storm may be averted and drift harmlessly out to sea.
PETER: Are you nuts? Somebody get that psycho out of here. We’re going to break for a commercial, ladies and gentlemen, and then we’ll be right back with more on The Storm of the Century-no, wait, we’ve just officially upgraded it to The Storm of the Millennium. We should all pause for a moment and hope and pray there’s no panic, no looting and no mad gunmen shooting up Safeways. But first, these words from our sponsors …