News item: Adelphia Communications Corp. has been in crisis for the past several weeks, a result of the company’s revelation that it failed to disclose $2.3 billion in borrowing by the company’s founding Rigas family, for which Adelphia might bear liability. As a result, the company announced that three independent board members would oversee a probe into the company’s books and appoint lawyers and forensic accountants.
We now take you to Coudersport, Pa., and the Crime Scene Investigation:
Catherine: Tweeze me.
Sara: Oh, yuck. I might lose my cookies.
Warrick: Chill, babe. What the hell is it?
Catherine: I’m not gonna be sure until we put it under the scope, but I think it’s an EBITDA.
Nick: Nice try. It’s part of an off-balance sheet.
Grissom: Fume it. Let’s be sure.
Warrick: Hey Griss, over here.
Sara: Is that pig innards?
Nick: Blood mucus?
Catherine: Tweeze me.
Sara: Well?
Catherine: It’s a severe liquidity crisis.
Grissom: Yeah, but why?
Nick: Over here.
Sara: Oh my god, what is it?
Catherine: Tweeze me.
Grissom: Christ, you say that one more time and I’ll belt you.
Warrick: What the heck is that?
Nick: It’s a bird of some sort.
Grissom: I think it’s a goose.
Catherine: It looks like it was originally bright yellow. Sorta gold. If we can figure out that gooey stuff all over him, we’ll know what happened.
Sara: Pig innards?
Nick: Blood mucus?
Grissom: Nope. It’s avarice. Avarice killed this golden goose.
Chuck Ross is editor of Electronic Media.