Diss And Dat

Feb 19, 2007  •  Post A Comment

The Insider begins with a positive item, a veritable mash note to “Late Show With David Letterman” for booking ventriloquists again last week, and with an anger alert. The Insider is beyond crabby and the negativity is both hard to control-think Radioactive Guy on “Heroes”-and nonbiodegradable. So don’t stand too close to the column and don’t relax; you never know when (or why) she blows, but it’s gonna produce a major splatter effect.

If it hadn’t been for rib-tickling “Ventriloquist Week 2,” The Insider would have gone all post-nuclear on everyone’s ass … inine-nesses.

On the other hand, go for it if you ever get the chance to see Kevin Johnson with Clyde and Matilda, Dan Horn and Orson, Brad Cummings and Rex or Jim Barber and Seville. In addition to making himself appear to be the dummy of his two operatic dummies, Mr. Seville does an inspired bit with a hand in a glass of water.

There was only one clunker ventriloquist all week. He shall go nameless here as will all other dis-inspirations below, because The Insider is, at this very moment, very fragilely wrapped.

She’s not at all sure she can control bile-logical urges to frag:

Publicists who send press releases containing quotes that start with say-nothing sentences. After years of research, The Insider began lopping off the first sentence 99.9 percent of the time because it makes the Very Important Person seem much more quotable. Run your own test and see if you don’t agree.

TV personalities who have their hands all over the first lady when she’s on their show. Not appropriate. Just isn’t done. Shake hands when they are introduced and when they leave, but touching is presumptuous when the guest is married to the most powerful leader in the world-whether we find that reality frightening or not.

TV personalities who have no clue about what clothes, makeup, cosmetic procedures and eyebrow arches suit them and their job and who refuse to dump bad-taste “friends” and hire and listen to people who know better and who can take away the offending print ensembles, babe-type tops or extreme-heeled shoes-you all know who you are (and we know that the red soles on your shoes mean they cost at least a kabullion dollars).

TV news personalities who mine themselves, their convertibles, their favorite teachers, their hometowns, their families for sweeps segments, as if they are ever so much more important than all those little people out there in the big wide world.

Morning show folks who say hello, name-by-name, to each of their co-hosts at the top of the show and each successive half-hour as if they did not see each other before the studio lights came up. It makes them look as if they are not all rowing the same boat.

TV news personalities (and their producers) who think it is necessary to show viewers a blank/earnest/furrowed-brow/chin-in-hand expression of an anchor listening to a world/national/professional leader answering questions. It’s time for a long round of come-to-Jesus-and-get-over-your-multimillion-dollar-selves meetings.

And don’t even get The Insider started on what we na%EF;ve little viewers are supposed to get out of watching these Very Important Personalities sample exotic foods and say “ummmmmm.” Or why we wee folk should care about a Very Important Personality introducing a feature to the year’s biggest TV audience when they clearly had nothing to do with the piece beyond recording a voiceover someone else wrote.

The Insider and her doppelganger are now off for the next week in search of her usual sunny personality. Gawd help us all if she doesn’t find it or can’t convince it to come home.