Chuck Ross

A Modest Proposal for Today’s Not So Modest Politicans: Have Them Sign the ‘Bad Form’ Form

Jun 8, 2011

Enough is enough. We’re done. Really. We are over our public officials—invariably men—behaving badly. And then, to compound the error of their ways, they don’t go quietly into the night like most of us want them to go.

Put simply, it’s just bad form.

So, clearly, what we need is for all of our male elected officials, regardless of whether they hold community, city, state or national office, to sign a “bad form” form upon taking their post.

Here’s what the standard “bad form” form would say:

This is to acknowledge that Men are indeed from Mars. And if I should fall off the map of the universe and indicate that I’m actually from Pluto, I shall hereby resign.

As a married public official, I hereby freely admit, under no coercion whatsoever, that I will most likely engage in some behavior during my term of office that many of my constituents, as well as the general public, will find off-putting, if not disgusting or reprehensible.

This behavior will be of a sexual nature. It will consist, at the least, of inappropriate conversations, sexting and pictures that will be lewd and salacious. It may go further, and include a child—or two—born out of wedlock.

The fact that I will engage in this behavior is none of anyone’s concern. And, in fact, while I am engaging in this behavior I will be publicly decrying anyone else engaging in this behavior.

However, if I get caught, I will resign my office immediately. My first instinct, of course, will be to hold a press conference and deny everything, at the same time attacking the media. I may still do that, but if TMZ posts any evidence that I have indeed exhibited any behavior whatsoever that may be thought of as “bad form,” as defined by this “bad form” form, I must resign.

By signing this form I hereby agree not to challenge in court any aspect of this form, but I do have the right to appeal to a mediation committee consisting of Roseanne Barr, Rosie O’Donnell and any relative, living or dead, of Eve Arden. If a majority of this committee—hereby known as Those Who Crack Wise—finds that I have indeed met the criteria of the “bad form” form, I will resign my office immediately. They shall decide my fate by voting whether the evidence indicates that I’m a pig or not.

All right. That should do it.

Of course I’ve come up with this plan a little too late for it to apply to Rep. Anthony Weiner, but I figure he’ll be toast sooner than later. His Tiger blood has practically all leaked out and his suits no longer seem to have that polished Sheen they once had…#

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